1 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:35,240 Hello! 2 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:37,960 [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,840 -Hi, Dad. -Will you move out of the way, please? 4 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,600 Nice to see you, too. 5 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,320 Uh, hello! 6 00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:46,320 -Hi. -Hi. What's with the music? 7 00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:48,520 Mum, do you want the flowers on the side or on the table? 8 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,320 -JACKIE: Table! -Okay. 9 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:51,600 Flowers on the table? 10 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,120 Excuse me. 11 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,320 -Put the flowers on the... -I'm doing it. 12 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,960 Hello, Dad. God, Dad looks smart. 13 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,920 -Jonny, can you... Oh, hi, Adam. -Hi, Mum. 14 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,840 -Can you open a bottle of wine, please? -Sure. 15 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,360 -A nice bottle. -Right. 16 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,640 A nice bottle? 17 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,960 Um, what is physically happening? 18 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,320 -What's... -Hmm? 19 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,560 Why are there Mum's posh bowls? 20 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,920 Mmm. 21 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,240 A single rose? 22 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,760 -[LUTE PLAYING] -And is that somebody playing the lute? 23 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,120 -Hmm? -Is the Lord Mayor coming or something? 24 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,960 No, not the Lord Mayor. Red or white? 25 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,440 -JACKIE: Red! -Wait a minute. 26 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,480 There are five knives and forks down there. 27 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:32,040 -Why are there five? -Are there? 28 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,160 One, two, three, four, five. 29 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,320 Oh, yeah. [WHISTLING TUNE] 30 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,240 -So who's... -Move! 31 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,480 Oh. 32 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,440 Sorry, why's the house like bloody Hampton Court all of a sudden? 33 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,760 -Who is coming round? -The house looks nice, doesn't it? 34 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,480 Jonny, don't eat any more bread. 35 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,800 -Yes, it's very nice, but... -Doesn't Mum's hair look lovely? 36 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:52,920 Oh, thanks, darling. 37 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:56,320 Okay. In a moment, I'm literally going to puncture one of your lungs. 38 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:57,600 Put that down! 39 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:59,360 -Can you just tell me who's... -[DOORBELL RINGS] 40 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,800 -Jesus, is that the door? -I'll get it. 41 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:02,120 -Who is it? -JONNY: Getting it, Mum! 42 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,000 -I'll get it. -Just tell me who it is! 43 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,560 Promise me you won't get annoyed. 44 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,280 You are so going to love this. 45 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,640 -Hello, Tanya. Oh, you look nice. -Thank you. 46 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,080 -MUM: Come in. -Oh, my God! It's Tanya Green! 47 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,240 I can't believe it. She's invited Tanya Green round? 48 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,480 -Yep. -For dinner? 49 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:21,880 Ah, dinner date. 50 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:23,240 -What? -A dinner date, 51 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,560 in front of your entire family. 52 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,960 -JACKIE: You've met Martin. -Yes. Hello. 53 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:31,640 -Pardon? -Hello. 54 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:32,800 Yes, hello. 55 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,960 -This is Jonny. -I'm the cool one. 56 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,160 Hi. 57 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,720 And this is my eldest son, Adam. 58 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,320 -Hello. -Hello. 59 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:46,560 -Do you remember Adam at all? -Um, not very well... 60 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,240 -He is quite forgettable. -Thank you. 61 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,240 Well, Tanya's joining us for Friday night dinner. 62 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,120 -Isn't that nice? -Yes. Very. 63 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:54,560 Um, Mum, can we just... 64 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,360 Well, aren't you going to give her a kiss, then? 65 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:58,640 -What? -A kiss hello. 66 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,040 Go on. 67 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:04,640 Um... 68 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,360 -Excuse my son. No manners. -It's okay. 69 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:12,320 He's just very shy. 70 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,640 -Okay, shall we... -Mum, can we just... 71 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,840 Jonny, take Tanya's coat, would you? One sec, love. 72 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,480 JACKIE: What? 73 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,280 Why didn't you tell me Tanya Green was invited? 74 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:28,600 -What? -Why didn't you tell me 75 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,520 -Tanya Green was coming? -I did tell you. 76 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,000 No, you didn't. 77 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,920 -Didn't I? -You know you bloody didn't! 78 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,840 JONNY: We can all sort of hear you. 79 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,760 Coming! Stop it, Adam! 80 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,760 Okay, right, lovely. So, Tanya, if you'd like to come through. 81 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,840 -Thank you. -Move along, move along! 82 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,160 -Females first! [LAUGHING] -Yep. Females first. [MIMICS KISSING] 83 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,280 That's it. If you sit over there. 84 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,280 And Adam, if you sit... 85 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,160 -No, Martin. -What? 86 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,760 Oh, yes. Yes, I'm meant to sit over there. 87 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,120 [LAUGHING] No, you're meant to sit next to... 88 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:09,480 -"Tanya." -Brilliant. 89 00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:11,760 Go on, Adam, sit down. 90 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,520 -Hello. -Hello again. 91 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:18,960 There. 92 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,760 Isn't this nice? 93 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,480 -Yeah, thanks again for inviting me. -Pleasure. 94 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:27,040 It's funny, 'cause I didn't know you were coming at all. 95 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,160 -Did I, Mum? -Hmm? Crisp? 96 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:30,480 -Ooh, thank you. -[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS] 97 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,320 Oh. Your bloody phone. 98 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,760 -All right! -So rude. 99 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,400 JACKIE: How's mum? TANYA: Fine, yeah. She sends her love. 100 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,880 JACKIE: Oh. And Dad? TANYA: Good. 101 00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:43,960 Dickwad. 102 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,560 -What? -Oh, nothing. 103 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,920 Have you travelled far? 104 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,200 Sorry. Have I travelled far? 105 00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:51,720 Our dad's from the 18th century. 106 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:54,560 Martin, she's Joan's daughter. They live in Elstree. 107 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:55,720 -A tree? -Amazing. 108 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,240 -[LOUDLY] In Elstree. -Oh. 109 00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:58,760 Yes, in Elstree, but in a tree! 110 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,800 [LAUGHING] Hasn't she got a lovely sense of humour? 111 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,680 Yes. 112 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,000 You know that Mum said the last time me and Adam were together, 113 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,800 -we were both in our nappies. -Aw. 114 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,840 -And he's wearing them tonight. -Very good. 115 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,320 Actually, I think the last time you were together 116 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,440 -was probably when you were in the bath. -Mum! 117 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,440 What? Oh, you two were so sweet back then. 118 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,080 -Like two little buttons! -Please. 119 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,880 Where are the baby photos? 120 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:22,520 Ooh! The baby photos. 121 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,960 Mum, Tanya really doesn't want to see the baby photos. 122 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:28,200 Doesn't she? You want to see the baby photos, don't you, Tanya? 123 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,040 Oh, yeah, I love old photos. 124 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,720 Mmm. They're here somewhere. 125 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,080 -[BELCHES] Oh, excuse me! -Martin! 126 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,680 -Nice one, Dad. -JACKIE: Sorry, Tanya. 127 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,080 I think I ate too much parsley. 128 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,960 Parsley? When were you eating parsley? 129 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,360 Hmm? 130 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,400 Um, I'm going to go and get a drink. Anyone... 131 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,760 -Here they are! -Great. 132 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,200 Oh, look. [CHUCKLING] 133 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,000 Oh, my God! I look like a potato. 134 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,040 You don't look like a potato. You were a beautiful baby. 135 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:55,880 Oh, I love this one. 136 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:57,760 Me in the bath. Good. Excellent. 137 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,840 -Why are you standing up? -He was always standing in the bath. 138 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:01,840 Such an exhibitionist! 139 00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:04,560 Okay. Does Tanya really have to see my, you know... 140 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,000 -Little button? -[JACKIE LAUGHING] 141 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,920 Right. I'm going to go. Mum... 142 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,880 Mum... 143 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,560 [SIGHS] One minute, love. 144 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,840 -Oh, look, more bath time. -[LAUGHS] 145 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:16,960 JACKIE: More standing up! 146 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,400 Lovely girl. 147 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:22,280 -What are you doing? -What am I doing? 148 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:25,280 -Oh, I'm going. -[SOFTLY] Going? Don't be so stupid. 149 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:26,760 I'm not being stupid. I'm going home. 150 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,920 You're bloody not. Now, take that off! 151 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,320 -Get off me! -No! 152 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,400 -Let go of me! -No, I will not let go! 153 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,080 What's wrong with you? She's a lovely girl. 154 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,640 Lovely girl. 155 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,720 -I can't believe you'd do this to me. -Do what to you? 156 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,120 Jonny, don't leave your dad inside with her, 157 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,160 he'll only start talking about Isaac Newton or something. 158 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,200 He also invented the first practical reflecting telescope. 159 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,600 Right. 160 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,920 So, what, you just phoned her up and asked her round, just like... 161 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,000 -all on her own? -Yes. What's wrong with that? 162 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,880 What? And you just happened to have her number? 163 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,680 Yes, her mobile. Val gave it to me. Oh, isn't she a lovely girl? 164 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,800 Can you please stop saying what a lovely girl she is! 165 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,720 She is a lovely girl. Ow! 166 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:03,360 You really don't know how embarrassing this is. 167 00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,120 -We do. -Shut up, Jonny. 168 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:06,680 Seriously, Mum, I'm going home. 169 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,760 I am telling you now, you are not going anywhere. 170 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,080 You have a bloody guest in there and you're going to bloody talk to her. 171 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,880 -Now, grow up! -Grow up? 172 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,880 She just saw my cock! My little baby cock! 173 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,920 Oh, sorry. I just wondered where the toilet was? 174 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,640 Oh, hi, Tanya. No, it's just, um, through there. 175 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:27,800 -Thanks. -No problem. 176 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,760 Well, do you fancy the girl? 177 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:32,400 [RUBBING HANDS TOGETHER] 178 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:42,200 But the theory goes that it was actually a kidney stone 179 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,160 -that finally killed him. -I see. 180 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:48,040 1727. It was a tragedy. 181 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:50,520 -Dad. -Martin, Tanya really doesn't want 182 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:53,320 to hear about Isaac Newton's kidney stones when she's eating. 183 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,320 No, it's okay. I bet they were delicious! 184 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,280 [LAUGHING] Yeah. 185 00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,840 But not as delicious as this lovely bit of squirrel. 186 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:01,160 Eh, Tina? 187 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,480 It's Tanya. 188 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,360 Oh, yes. Tanya. 189 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,360 -So, um, you're a musician? -Failed musician. 190 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,040 Ignore him. He's an estate agent. 191 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,440 -Yes. It's called a proper job. -For proper losers. 192 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,720 -My dad's an estate agent. -Right. 193 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,440 And what company does he... 194 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,520 Jonny, pass Tanya some more vegetables, would you? 195 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,640 Oh, thanks. 196 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,080 Yeah, so, what sort of music do you do? 197 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:25,080 -Oh, he's had hit after hit. -Thank you. 198 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:28,280 Well, mainly stuff for advertising campaigns and things. 199 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,720 -He's a jingle writer. -Composer. 200 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,400 Of jingles. 201 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,480 -Pusface? -No, thanks. 202 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:35,960 Oh! 203 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,640 -What? -Um... 204 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,320 No. Nothing. 205 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,240 So, your music, would I have heard any of it? 206 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,120 There was that one for diarrhoea tablets. 207 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,840 -Dishwasher tablets. -Jonny! 208 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:54,720 Adam, why don't you ask Tanya a bit about herself? 209 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,240 Thanks, Mum, I do know how to talk to other humans. 210 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,480 [BELCHES] 211 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:00,640 -Oh, Martin! -Dad! 212 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,320 Can you please stop burping? 213 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,760 Oh, I am sorry. It's all that parsley I had. 214 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,960 Sorry, when were you eating all this parsley? 215 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,880 -Hmm? -When were you eating parsley? 216 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:11,560 Earlier. I fancied a bit. 217 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,440 -What? Raw parsley? -Well, I only had a couple of sprigs. 218 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,040 -I do apologise. -It's fine, honest. 219 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,000 So, you work for Coke, don't you? Coca-Cola? 220 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,440 Yeah, I do, like, marketing and PR, you know... 221 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,360 Oh, Coca-Cola? Wonderful business. 222 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,920 I mean, the owners must be multi-millionaires. 223 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,280 Obviously they're multi-millionaires. 224 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,680 -Sorry? -Obviously the owners of Coca-Cola 225 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:35,920 are multi-millionaires. 226 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,040 Are they multi-millionaires? 227 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,440 -Um, I would think so, yeah. -See? 228 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,520 So where do you work, then? America? 229 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:48,760 Um, England. 230 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,000 England, right, right. 231 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:54,600 Well, England's a fabulous country. 232 00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,640 Yes, it's very nice. 233 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,400 Course, you know what they used to call us? 234 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,200 TANYA: What? 235 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,640 You know what they used to call us? England? 236 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:06,080 -No, what was that? -Perfidious Albion. 237 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,040 -Dad. -Martin! 238 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,400 Sorry? Perfid... What did you say? 239 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,840 -Sorry? -What did he say? 240 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,600 -Perfidious Albion. -Perfidious Albion, yes. 241 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:15,960 [LAUGHING] 242 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,760 And what is that? What is Perfidious Albion? 243 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,920 -Well, it's what they used to call us. -Oh. 244 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:24,560 In other words, we weren't very popular. 245 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,120 [LAUGHING] 246 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,720 [HAWKING] 247 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,520 [GURGLING] 248 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,280 Mmm. Oh! 249 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:41,240 Yeah, could you... 250 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,520 pass us the pickled cucumber, would you? 251 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,360 [LAUGHING] Perfidious Albion. 252 00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,040 There's no point. It doesn't open. 253 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,600 Mmm. 254 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,560 -Oh, no. It's stuck. -I told you. 255 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,080 -Here, let me have a go. -What? Mr Muscles? 256 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,240 -Ignore him. So, marketing and PR? -Yeah. 257 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,480 -Do you want to stand up and try that? -No, I'm okay, thanks. 258 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:03,240 -You sure? -Yes. Quite sure. 259 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,920 I'm telling you all, it doesn't open. 260 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,360 So, why did you put it out, then? 261 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,800 Because it's Friday night and we've got a guest. 262 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,920 Oh, it's fine, honestly. I'm not really a pickle person. 263 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,760 [LAUGHING] "A pickle person." 264 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,760 -Here, I'll do it. -Of course. Mr Muscles. 265 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,160 -[GRUNTING] -Jesus. 266 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,840 Jonny, it doesn't open. 267 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,320 Hold on. No, I'm gonna get it this time. Seriously. 268 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,920 Oh, that's right. Use the full force of those powerful legs. 269 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,800 -He's so gay. -Okay, stop it now. 270 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:29,720 -You'll hurt yourself. -No. Keep going. 271 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,840 Jonny, please, stop. You'll have a heart attack! 272 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,320 No, keep going. Have a heart attack. 273 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,000 -MARTIN: Jonny... -Nearly there. I think it's gonna... 274 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,200 [GROANING] 275 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,720 Oh, my God. Sorry! I'm sorry. 276 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,280 -Are you all right? Jonny! -[GROANING] 277 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,040 It wasn't me, it was the jar! It was the jar! 278 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,280 -You shitting idiot! -Martin! 279 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,320 -Sorry, Ad. -My nose. 280 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:48,800 [GROANING] 281 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,120 Oh, has he just... 282 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,480 No, of course I haven't! 283 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:53,840 [MOUTHING] 284 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,400 I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding! 285 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,080 Put your nose under the tap. 286 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,600 You really are an idiot, Jonny! 287 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,160 I'm going to kill you, you little bastard! 288 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,920 It wasn't me, it was the jar. 289 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,160 -Careful you don't drown him, Martin. -[WATER SPLASHING] 290 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,480 ADAM: It's hot water! MARTIN: What? 291 00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:08,920 ADAM: That's hot water! You're burning my nose! 292 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,720 JACKIE: You're burning his nose! 293 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,800 -Cold water! -Hot water. Hot water. 294 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:14,640 -Tell me, is that better? -It's hotter! 295 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:15,880 [JONNY LAUGHING] 296 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,320 ADAM: [SCREAMING] Cold water! 297 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,840 -One second, love. -MARTIN: That is cold water. 298 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,880 [DOORBELL RINGING] 299 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,040 -Um... -ADAM: It's the other one! 300 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:26,880 Someone's at the front door. 301 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,800 -Cold water! -[DOORBELL RINGING] 302 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,800 [ADAM CONTINUES SCREAMING] 303 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,440 -Oh, hello, Jackie. -Um, I'm not Jackie. 304 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,640 No, of course you're not. Silly me! 305 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:45,200 No, Jackie has got a completely different face and body. 306 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,720 Yes, um... Jackie? 307 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,880 No, you're a visitor. 308 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,760 I guess so. 309 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:58,040 I suppose we're all visitors, in a way. Visiting this plane of existence. 310 00:12:58,520 --> 00:12:59,680 Right. 311 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:01,880 [WILSON PANTING] 312 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:04,960 -That's a nice dog. -Is he? 313 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,800 Yes. Yes, he is. 314 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,720 Mrs Goodman! 315 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,760 Sorry, love... Oh, hello, Jim. 316 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:16,440 Hi, Jackie. You look...wet. 317 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:19,440 What? Oh! Uh... 318 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,160 -Tanya, why don't you go inside and... -Yeah. Sure. 319 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,800 -She's a visitor. -Sorry? 320 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,800 You know what you are? A bloody arsehole! 321 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,680 -Adam! -Am I? 322 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,800 No, not you, no. He's just had a nosebleed. 323 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,960 Listen, Jim, Tanya's here at the moment, 324 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,240 so maybe if you came back later... 325 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,680 That's the problem, you see. 326 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:42,880 -Problem? -I'm sort of locked out. 327 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,200 -Oh. -Sort of lost my front door key. 328 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:48,120 -Sort of? -Yes. 329 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:50,920 Do you know where you lost it? 330 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,000 Yes. 331 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,720 Inside Wilson. 332 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,680 -Inside Wilson? -Mmm. Swallowed it. 333 00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,320 -Oh. -Yes. 334 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:02,120 We were playing a sort of game and it sort of went a bit wrong. 335 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,880 Oh, dear. Well, does anyone else have a key? 336 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:06,880 -Yes, my brother does. -Great! 337 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,280 But he's in Uganda. 338 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,320 Oh, right. Um... 339 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:15,720 So, how are you going to get it back? 340 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:20,000 Well, I suppose I'll just have to wait outside here until he's... 341 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,680 you know, ready. 342 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,440 -Ready? -Yeah. 343 00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:27,760 Perhaps you could get me some old newspaper to put down 344 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,880 for when he...you know. 345 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,920 -Oh, and Jackie? -What? 346 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,600 Maybe a wet flannel. 347 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,560 -Excellent crumble, Mum. -Mmm, it's delicious. 348 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,360 Thanks, and there's more cream here if anyone wants. 349 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,240 Oh, I wouldn't mind. 350 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,400 -Adam? -TANYA: I love crumble. 351 00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,160 Oh, everyone loves crumble! 352 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,360 -Crimble-crumble! -Crimble-crumble! 353 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,200 -Crimble-crumble! -[CHUCKLES] 354 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,400 [MUFFLED] Crimble-crumble! 355 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,160 Hello, everyone. 356 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,040 -Aw, are you all right now, bobble? -Yeah. 357 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,000 -You okay? -Sorry, Ad. 358 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,440 No, it's okay. 359 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,280 Adam, do you know you've got a piece of tissue up your nose? 360 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,280 Yes, I do know, Dad. Thank you. 361 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:14,000 It is a good look, though. 362 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:15,640 Oh, I'm mad! The tea! 363 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,840 How about a nice cup of tea, everyone? Tanya? 364 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,280 Oh, yes, please, if you're making. 365 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,560 Of course, love. Jonny, put the kettle on, would you? 366 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,160 -Me? -Ha ha. 367 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,320 Actually, no, I'll do it. 368 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,440 He'll only put bleach in my cup or something. 369 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:27,520 Bleach and two sugars. 370 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,320 [JACKIE LAUGHING] 371 00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:39,080 [SIGHS] 372 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:45,880 -Oh! -Sorry! 373 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,400 -Jesus, Dad! -All right. Calm down. 374 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,160 It's not like I was going to molest you! 375 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,840 Right. Thank you. That's good to know. 376 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,160 -What do you want? -Hmm? 377 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,680 -What do you want? -What do I want? 378 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,960 -Yes. -Nothing, nothing. 379 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,680 Okay. 380 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,400 You know, this could take some time, so you might want to... 381 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,240 No, no, it's fine. 382 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:17,040 So, um...the...the... 383 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,160 -The what? -The girl... 384 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,680 The girl? She does have a name, you know. 385 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,040 -Yes, but it got rubbed off. -Ah. 386 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:25,720 All right then, the female. 387 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,280 Female? No, actually, stick with girl. 388 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,720 Didn't I tell you she's a lovely girl? 389 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,120 -Lovely girl. -Yes, she's very nice. 390 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:35,520 -Now, can we just leave... -Pretty as well. 391 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,320 Yep, all right. She is quite pretty. 392 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:40,200 I would. 393 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,240 Jonny, go back in there! Coming, Tanya! 394 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:46,080 Just saying, I would. 395 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,800 -She's a pretty girl, isn't she, Martin? -Very pretty. Nice bum. 396 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,520 I'm glad you noticed. 397 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,960 Right, can you just leave me now? I can make tea on my own, you know. 398 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,200 Oh, there's no milk. 399 00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,920 Oh, Adam, go round the corner for me, would you? 400 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,760 What? Go round the corner? 401 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,440 Yeah, you can ask Tanya to go with you. 402 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,240 Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to ask Tanya to go round... 403 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,520 Tanya? 404 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,120 [GROANS] 405 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,040 -You're still here? -Yes. Still here. 406 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,880 Still waiting. That's it. Come on, come on, Wilson. 407 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,720 [BARKS SOFTLY] 408 00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,360 Right, well we're just going to... 409 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:29,240 Ah! That's why you're visiting. 410 00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,480 You're Jonny's girlfriend! 411 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,480 -Adam's. I'm Adam. -Sorry, Adam's girlfriend. 412 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,440 -Um, I'm not... -She's not my girlfriend. 413 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:38,280 -Not yet. Hi, Jim. -Thanks, Jonny. 414 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:39,480 Any time. 415 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,800 -No, we're just friends. -Yeah. Just friends. 416 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,560 Friends. It's nice to have friends. 417 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,560 -Okay, shall we... -Yeah, sure. 418 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,120 [MOUTHING] 419 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,960 JIM: That's it, Wilson. Come on, squeeze. 420 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:57,800 Squeeze! 421 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:01,480 -He's really not funny. -He is a bit funny. 422 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,040 No, I think the correct word to describe my brother is "tit". 423 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,600 [LAUGHS] 424 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,880 Um, Tanya, can I ask you something? 425 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,280 Sure, what? 426 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,640 -It's something I really want to know. -Okay. 427 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,160 Do you think that this has been the most awkward, 428 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:17,960 embarrassing evening ever? 429 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,480 [CHUCKLING] Yes. Definitely. 430 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:22,320 Good. I'm glad I'm not the only one. 431 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:23,800 Actually, I'm trying to think what could possibly make it 432 00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:25,440 even more awkward and embarrassing. 433 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,680 -[TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS] -Sorry. It's probably my mum. 434 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,360 -Checking up on you? -Probably. 435 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,480 No. It's your mum. 436 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,720 Is it? What's it say? 437 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,120 "Please remind Adam to get some condoms." 438 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,240 That might not have been from my mum. 439 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,200 Right. 440 00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,400 There, there. 441 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,200 -Nice walk? -Um... 442 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,680 -Everything all right, Jim? -Yes, all done. 443 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,640 See? Got the key. 444 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,160 -Great. Well done. -Thanks, Jackie. 445 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,200 -Just no one go near this stick. -Uh... 446 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,600 Come in, love. 447 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:14,920 -Ooh, Jonny? -Adam. 448 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:17,440 What? 449 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:24,800 So, this, um...this friend. 450 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,280 -Tanya. -Tanya. 451 00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:33,080 -She's a woman, isn't she? -Um, yes. 452 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,400 -I knew this woman once. -Did you? 453 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,960 -Oh, yes. We met in a cave. -Right. 454 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:39,840 And then there was the other one. 455 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:42,280 -The other one? -You remember the other one, don't you? 456 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,440 The angry lady. 457 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,040 [GROWLS] 458 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,640 -Okay, I'm just going to go... -Yes. 459 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,320 -Women... -JACKIE: Adam! 460 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,280 Coming! 461 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:56,120 -Your mother's a woman. -Right. Well, thanks, Jim. 462 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:59,400 If I may, one little piece of advice, 463 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,200 -vis-a-vis women... -Okay. 464 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,320 Never... 465 00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,360 Okay, I'll try to remember that. Thanks again, Jim. 466 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,240 Don't mention it! Bye, Adam. 467 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:18,680 -Jonny... -[DOOR SLAMS SHUT] 468 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,040 Hmm. 469 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,120 -Here, love. -Thanks. 470 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:32,520 -And thanks for a lovely evening. -Oh, you're welcome. 471 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,160 -It has been lovely, hasn't it, Adam? -Yes, Mum. 472 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:36,640 You know, we really must do this again. 473 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,840 Oh, Adam, get the milk, would you? I've left it inside. 474 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,320 Sorry, I'm really not getting up again. 475 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:43,080 I'll go. 476 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,800 -It's his arthritis. -Ha ha. 477 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,080 -Of the balls. -Jonny! 478 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,000 Um, excuse me, I just need to use the bathroom. 479 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,000 Of course. 480 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,760 -Oh, she does have a nice bum. -Martin! 481 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,600 By the way, I really want to thank you both 482 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,200 for such a wonderful evening. 483 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,120 -My pleasure. -No, seriously, great night. 484 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,400 Well, perhaps next time you can find your own bloody girlfriend. 485 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:06,680 -MARTIN: Adam? -What? 486 00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:08,200 I think she likes you. 487 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:09,880 -Who? -Who? Who do you think? 488 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,560 -The girl. The female. -Oh, female. 489 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:13,920 She does. 490 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,640 Really? Do you think? 491 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,520 She's a lovely girl. 492 00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:25,200 Oh, where is that milk? Jonny! 493 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,120 I'll get it, it's all right. 494 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,760 Use the jug. We've got a guest. 495 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,760 The jug. Pissface! 496 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,000 We've got... The bloody shits! 497 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:47,320 Mum! 498 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,440 [BOTH MOANING] 499 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,120 JACKIE: What? 500 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,960 -What is it? -MARTIN: What? 501 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:17,560 Lovely girl.